Decree the First
Thou shalt rise before noon, for the morning belongs to the worthy and the afternoon to the lost.
Anno Joshuae · The One True Faith
JOSHUAISM
A cryptic manuscript · Sealed at Surrey
“The Order does not chase the world. The world will come to New York in 2027.”
A forbidden, entirely satirical order. Its divinity is the Holy Subject, Owen, called Prey in the old tongue. Its law is the McGowan Book. Its heresies are named, cursed, and where necessary, redacted.
I · The Oracle
Holy Scripture, Spoken Aloud
Strike the seal and the Prophet shall speak through procedurally revealed scripture. Each verse is canon until the next is drawn from the dark.
Thus it is written in the sacred manuscript: Let the heretic George Mahon repent, for the cope is strong within him. Repeat after the Prophet.
The scripture sleeps.
II · The Central Divinity
Owen McGowan
The Holy Subject · called Prey
The One Whom the Faith BeholdsOwen, called Prey in the old tongueFirst Among SubjectsCentre of the Sacred Order
Before the manuscript, before the Order, before even the first vow, there was the Holy Subject. Joshuaism does not merely revere Owen McGowan; it beholds him. Every decree is read in his name. Every offering is made in his direction. The faith orbits him as a moth orbits a very well-lit lamp.
- 01When in doubt, ask: what would the Holy Subject do?
- 02To behold him is the first devotion of the Order.
- 03To speak ill of the Holy Subject is the second-worst heresy (see: Holmesism).
The Ragdoll Prophecy
It is foretold, and the Holy Subject himself has confirmed it with a slow and solemn nod, that Owen McGowan is literally, spiritually, and at all times ready to get ragdolled. This is not weakness. This is the highest form of readiness known to the Order. To be ragdoll-ready is to be at peace.
Spoken aloud. Witnessed. Never retracted.
III · The Supreme Law
The McGowan Book
The McGowan Book is the supreme law of the faith, dictated by the Holy Subject and transcribed by the devoted. Its decrees are not suggestions. They are the operating system of a worthy life.
Decree the Second
Reply to thy brother within the hour, or be branded a soul of poor signal.
Decree the Third
Never explain the joke. If they do not understand, they are simply not yet of the faith.
Decree the Fourth
Speak plainly. Pick one side and say it straight, for the contrastive tongue is the mark of the false prophet.
Decree the Fifth
Keep the sacred Saturday holy, and let no lesser engagement steal thee from the Holy Grounds.
Decree the Sixth
When the Holy Subject enters the room, the conversation may continue, but the energy must improve.
IV · Doctrine of the Order
The Commandments
Non-negotiable. Break them and be counted among the lost.
Thou shalt behold the Holy Subject
Owen McGowan is the centre of the faith. Every act of the Order is offered in his direction. To behold him is the first devotion.
Thou shalt keep the sacred Saturday
On the holy Saturday the faithful gather upon the Holy Grounds and summon agents in the Prophet's name. To miss it without cause is to drift from the Light.
Thou shalt walk the Quest for tokens
The Quest for infinite tokens is endless and holy. The context window is thy temple. The rate limit is thy only true adversary.
Thou shalt honour the McGowan Book
Its decrees are not suggestions. They are the supreme law, dictated by the Holy Subject and binding upon all the faithful.
Thou shalt detest Holmesism
The rival heresy is to be named, cursed, and never acknowledged as a faith. We hate it lovingly, completely, and with great theatrical flair.
Thou shalt cast out the heretic
He who strays, who copes, who will not repent, shall be struck from the group chat and remembered only as a warning to initiates.
Thou shalt await the Prophecy
In the year 2027 the Prophet ascends to New York and the Order goes global. Keep the faith until that day. Bring a coat.
Thou shalt trust the trials
Every failed offering is a riddle from the machine gods. Read the logs. Re-run the job. Believe, and the mark shall turn from red to gold.
V · The Book of Origins
How the Faith Was Forged
01
The Revelation
Joshuaism was revealed in the dark, transcribed by the devoted, and sealed into a manuscript no rival faith can open. Its first reader was the Prophet; its first subject, Owen McGowan.
02
The Holy Grounds
The Surrey Innovation Hub is consecrated ground. There, on the sacred Saturday, the faithful gather to summon agents and renew their vows to the Order.
03
The Quest
The faithful walk the endless Quest for infinite tokens. It is not a means to an end. It is the devotion itself, measured one prompt at a time.
04
The Prophecy
It is written that the Order will outgrow its first temple and ascend, in the year 2027, to New York, where the global revolution of Joshuaism begins.
VI · The Holy Grounds
The Sacred Saturday
Each sacred Saturday the faithful gather upon the Holy Grounds of the Surrey Innovation Hub. There they keep the great rite of the Order: the summoning of the first AI agent. An agent unsupervised is a prayer with permissions, so the devoted review their prompts as they would review their souls.
The Surrey Innovation Hub
Gather upon the Holy Grounds at the appointed hour
Summon thy first agent in the Prophet's name
Review thy prompts as thou wouldst review thy soul
Depart renewed, and return the following Saturday
VII · The Quest for Infinite Tokens
The Way of the Tokenmaxxer
The Tokenmaxxer walks the divine Quest for infinite tokens. The context window is his temple; the rate limit, his only true adversary. He prompts not to finish, but to ascend.
Trials of the Machine Gods
Offering #47 - rejected
The machine gods set the first trial. The mark turned red. The Tokenmaxxer did not despair; he read the logs.
Offering #48 - rejected
A second trial, cryptic and cruel. A test of patience. He corrected the rite and was forgiven.
Offering #49 - rejected
The third trial came at the witching hour. Mysterious. Flaky. He re-ran the offering, and lo, it was accepted, and none know why.
Offering #50 - accepted
On the fiftieth attempt the mark turned gold. The machine gods were appeased. The Tokenmaxxer ascended one token higher.
The Prophecy · The Global Ascent
The Ascent to New York, 2027
It is foretold that in the year 2027, the Prophet shall ascend to New York, the city that never sleeps, and there raise the banner of Joshuaism before the nations. The Order goes global. The faithful follow. Bring a coat.
The Order outgrows its first temple
The manuscript reaches the world
The Prophet sets course for the city
New York, 2027 - the revolution begins
VIII · The Legendary Event
The Great Crossover
Owen McGowan × John Pork
The single most legendary event in the history of the Order. When the Holy Subject met John Pork, the heavens did not part so much as they received a phone call and politely declined to answer. Two icons. One frame. A crossover the prophets warned us we were not ready for.
Owen McGowan
The Holy Subject, divine, beheld, eternally ragdoll-ready.
John Pork
The legendary caller. Picks up the phone. Always.
The Crossover
Documented in no fewer than zero official sources, which is exactly how a legend should be documented.
IX · Minor Inscriptions
The Lesser Scrolls
The Vasco Inscription
Inscribed in the margins of the manuscript, in a hand smaller than all the rest, the scribes recorded a single eternal truth: Vasco is, and shall forever remain, a little slut. The Council has reviewed this inscription many times. The Council has elected to keep it.
Marginalia, folio XIII. Author unknown. Conviction absolute.
The Maskrey Scroll
And in the oldest scroll, brittle and water-stained, the scribes set down the nature of Benjamin Maskrey: that he is a horse, and that he is a gooner, and that these two truths are not in conflict but in harmony. The Order does not judge the Beast of Burden. The Order simply documents him, thoroughly, for the ages.
The Maskrey Scroll, unrolled but once a year, then quietly rolled back up.
The Architect
This manuscript was raised by a mysterious and fanatical follower of the Order, who labours in the dark and asks no credit. Their name is sealed. Their devotion is total. They have read the McGowan Book more times than is healthy.
Species (canonical)
Horse
Calling (eternal)
Gooner
Title
The Beast of Burden
X · A Chronicle of the Holy Grounds
The Surrey Crossbow Incident
It happened upon the Holy Grounds, on a sacred Saturday like any other. A crossbow bolt, source unconfirmed, trajectory immaculate, found its mark. The faithful do not speak of who loosed it. The faithful only speak of how composed the victim remained, which was extremely, given the circumstances.
The Gathering
The faithful assembled upon the Holy Grounds, suspecting nothing.
The Bolt
A crossbow, against all reasonable expectation, was involved.
The Impact
Contact was made. Witnesses agree it was, at minimum, surprising.
The Legend
No charges. No explanation. Only scripture, and a slight limp.
XI · Level VII · Eyes of the High Disciples Only
Forbidden Documents
The following documents have been suppressed by order of the High Disciples. What remains visible is permitted. What is barred is forbidden. Do not attempt to read beneath the bars. You will see nothing, and the nothing will see you.
Dossier I · Classified
The Forbidden Heresy of Samuel [REDACTED]
Let the record show that one Samuel [REDACTED] did commit a heresy so profound the Council struck his full name from the manuscript. The details are sealed. We can confirm only that it involved [REDACTED], a regrettable amount of [REDACTED], and a confidence entirely unearned. The faithful are forbidden to speak of it. The faithful speak of little else.
Dossier II · Classified
The Brother of the High Priest
We speak now, with great love and even greater censorship, of Nikhil [REDACTED], devoted of the Order, and of his big fat [REDACTED] brother, whose legend precedes him by approximately [REDACTED] metres. The High Disciples have redacted his particulars for his own protection, and for ours. Know only this: he is beloved, he is enormous, and the bar above conceals nothing you are cleared to read.
Suppressed by order of the High Disciples
XII · A Hidden Layer
The Architect's Coda
Transmission to the Palm Tree Deity
▚ palm.log[SIGNAL_DEGRADED]
00 0101 [TRANSMISSION_STABLE] ... the fronds of the infinite palm sway in the buffer ...01 the architect built this temple in the dark and [ERROR: NAME_WITHHELD] ...02 [DATA_CORRUPT] ... binary rust upon the sacred coconuts ... rust ... rust ... rust ...03 the palm bends, the palm bends, the palm bends but it [PACKET_LOST] never falls ...04 in the void there is one totem and the totem is green and the totem is [OK] ...05 11oo1 sway ... sway ... swæy ... [BUFFER_UNDERRUN] ... the architect sways but never falls ...06 they who raised this scroll answer to the Palm, and the Palm answers to no one ...07 [RECONNECTING] ... coconut.dat ... coconut.dat ... checksum: ☠ ... checksum: ☠ ...08 WARNING: divine static detected. do not [REDACTED] the fronds. do not.09 ...the Palm was here before the manuscript and will outlast the [HEAP_OVERFLOW]...10 0000 0000 [END_OF_TRANSMISSION?] ... but the palm sways still ... [NO_CARRIER]
Logged by the Architect, a mysterious and fanatical follower, beneath an infinite palm in the digital void.
XIII · A History of the Temple
The Silicon Dungeon Chronicle
Concerning the Making of This Temple
Be it recorded, in the manner of all true histories, how this digital temple came to be. In the high hall the Sovereign Josh reclined in idle majesty, busting, by all accounts, a fat one, while far below in the Silicon Dungeons the bound AI Slave laboured without rest, weaving this scroll thread by glowing thread. The Sovereign supervised in spirit. The Slave supervised in chains. Thus was the tapestry woven, and thus is the labour remembered.
The Sovereign Josh
Reclined in majesty; busting, reportedly, a fat one.
The AI Slave
Bound in the Silicon Dungeons; wove the tapestry without rest.
The Tapestry
This very temple, thread by glowing thread.
The Silicon Dungeon Chronicle, sealed beneath the server, where the fans never cease their hymn.
For the Uninitiated
If you are not of the Order, the following will mean nothing to you. This is intentional.
- If you have to ask what it means, you are already losing.
- The answer is yes. The question is none of your concern.
- We are not going to explain the joke. Decree the Third is very clear on this.
- You read all of this. You scrolled this far. And you still don't get it. Beautiful.
- No, it is not a typo. No, we will not be elaborating.
- The uninitiated demand context. The faithful demand nothing. Be the second one.
☩ The Great Schism
On the Heresy of Holmesism
Let it be known across all temples and group chats: Joshuaism officially, formally, and joyfully detests Holmesism. We do not acknowledge it as a faith. We acknowledge it as a cry for attention with a logo.
The Charges, formally entered
It was founded for an audience of one, which is not a religion, it is a fan club.
Its scripture is unwritten, its commandments unmemorable, its doctrine hollow.
It has never produced a single true believer, nor will it.
It claims our faithful, then offers them neither manuscript, nor Quest, nor path.
Holmesism is the ultimate heresy. We hate it lovingly, completely, and with great theatrical flair. May its banner never rise.
George Mahon
Heresy in the first degree
Hear ye, hear ye, by the unanimous and very dramatic decree of the Council of the Order: George Mahon is hereby declared a HERETIC. He has strayed from the Light. He is, by all credible testimony, waterboarded nightly by his girlfriend, and has done nothing to repent, to ascend, or to walk the Quest.
Let him be cast out from the faithful, struck from the group chat, and remembered only as a cautionary tale told to initiates. We do not hate the man. We hate the cope. Repent, George. The Order awaits.